A big, tough Samurai went to see a little monk to learn the secrets of the universe. “Monk” he said in a booming voice, commanding obedience. “Teach me about heaven and hell.”

The little monk looked up in silence at the mighty warrior for a time. “Teach YOU about heaven and hell? I couldn’t teach YOU about anything! You’re dirty, you smell, even your blade is rusty, you’re a disgrace to the Samurai. Get out of here! I can’t stand you!

The Saumrai was furious. His face flushed red and his teeth locked tighter. He shook with rage as drew his sword to slay the monk.

“That, is hell.” The monk said quietly.

The Samurai was stunned, overwhelmed at the compassion of this little man who had risked his life for the teaching. Filled with gratitude, he lowered his sword his heart became peaceful. A smile crept to his face.

“And that’s heaven,” the monk noted.

Have you ever noticed when you’re at a low point or really stressed that more negative things seem to happen in your life? Your friends and family seem unsupportive, and blow you off, just when you need them.

Why IS that?

To me, it’s the polarity of love and fear.

Our world is one of opposition: light and dark, up or down, internal heaven or hell. Love & fear are the only emotions we humans truly have. All the others are just subcategories.

Think about our range of emotions for a minute. Love expresses itself as happiness, gratitude, acceptance or fulfillment. Fear, sits in opposition to love. Fear is voiced as anger, frustration, grief or pain. When we act out of fear we’re guarded and defensive, sometimes outright nasty, which pushes others away from us.

So you’re thinking: “I’m not afraid when I’m angry, I’m just mad.”

According to psychologist, Dr. Steven Stosney, what’s really happening is that anger protects us from the threat of vulnerability. He says the blue ribbon recipe for anger is mixing blame with entitlement and vulnerability. Anger is about the systematic protection from the experience of shame & fear. But, the experience of shame or fear also can carry the motivation to heal.

So fear is not a bad thing, it’s our built in system of protection. We need to recognize when we are irritated or upset, our hearts ache for balance. How do we achieve that balance? By moving ourselves to the place of the heart – LOVE. Where we can look at things wisely, not from the fearful space our minds create.

A friend of mine had been down on her luck. Her husband died ten years earlier. He had no life insurance. She’s a single mother, trying to making everyone happy the best she can. Her son, a bright kid, gets into a public Ivy college. Very proud, she dips into her savings to pay for it, then loses her job.

While she’s stressing over how to pay the bills, he starts hanging out with wrong people and gets involved with drugs. She brings him home over the summer and digs deeper into her savings to pay for drug rehab, still no job.

Her son is doing well, goes back to school, is about to graduate, and the police show up at her door. Her son had gone back to partying with his friends, had overdone it and died.

I took her dinner a couple of weeks later, when visitors were lessening in her home. She was so angry, she was shaking her fists. “What else can God do to me?” she lamented. He took my husband, he took away my job, all of my savings are gone and now my son?  What else is there?

I didn’t know what to do. “I’m sorry”, wasn’t going to cut it. Her grief, her financial frustration, and not knowing what would happen with the soul of her son was overwhelming to her.

Lucky for me, her spiritual adviser was there and for the next two hours, focused the conversation on love, relieving her fears by talking about love in many situations.

Love of mother and son.

Love between father and son.

Self-love.

As they talked I watched my friend’s face and fists relax. The swirling nest of angry bees that seemed to swarm her head calmed. By the end of our time there, a loud belly laugh had restored her color and demeanor to its norm.

Fast forward a year.

Now, she looks at her life in a whole new way. Although she still has sadness, she has been able to move forward on a number of levels. She has a new job she adores, and a new man in her life.

When we’re happy, things go well. When things go awry, I now try look at life differently. Not as a series of circumstances, good or bad, but as choices between fear and love.